


In my life

by ShyBear



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-28 20:54:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/996593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyBear/pseuds/ShyBear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>25 years later</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There are places I remember...

Twenty Five years later and she was still in love. Painfully, heartbreakingly, in love. Something she hated to admit, even to herself. When had Gail moved on? She wasn't sure. Maybe it was the job, or their different goals, or the broken straight girl with the core of steel she had fallen hard for so long ago, and slowly watched wall herself off from their love, from her touch, from anything that might penetrate her hard won sense of autonomy. She remembered the night when Gail had silently, stoically, packed her bags and left her standing in the middle of their home, clutching her sweater around herself, tears running down in waves, with just an icy look back and a cutting remark. And now, here she was, back in their city, so familiar and yet so foreign to her after all this time. She had changed too, softer now around the belly and the hips, dark hair turned silver, more lines on her face. It had been five years since she had sold the house and moved, fled really, to the farthest place she could imagine without losing herself. They hadn't spoken since. Old habits die hard, somehow her feet had brought her here.

When she left, she had thrown herself into her work, into her new job, in her new city, with a single minded intensity. Her research, her writing, her innovations in her field of study had left her with high praise, academic accolades, long hours, few friends and only the dead to keep her company on most nights. She should be fast asleep by now on the luxurious sheets and comfortable bed of the posh hotel where she was giving her lecture in the morning. She hadn't wanted to come here, but one does not turn down the prestigious invitation and award that would reflect well, not only on her, but on the University, her boss had insisted. She had put herself to bed at a reasonable hour, SVU marathon on the TV, promising herself to be good, to sleep. Sleep would not come. From bed, to computer, to window she had paced until her unrest had driven her to throw on clothes, wrap her hair in a careless bun, and go out into the night. She had walked for hours in a desperate attempt to clear her head. Wrapped in thought, not really paying attention to where she was going, she looked up suddenly to find the morgue looming in front of her. She sighed heavily, and leaned on the post of the nearest streetlamp for support. What was she doing? Cold autumn wind cut into her bones as she wrapped her arms more tightly around herself. Tires crunched, and stopped on the pavement behind her. A car door opened, and a familiar voice said

"Excuse me ma'am, are you all right?"

She smiled as she turned to face the officer leaning on the roof of his car.

"No, Chris, not really." She watched his mouth form a little O as he rushed around his car to catch her in a giant bear hug.

"Wow! Holly! It really is you!" He exclaimed into her hair, squeezing her tighter.

"Shouldn't you be at home taking care of your rugrats, or something?" She asked, not moving from their embrace

"Naw, Laura has them tonight. And besides, busting loiterers like you keeps me on my toes." He replied, pulling back to look at her. 

Holding her at arms length his face suddenly serious, he said "Have you seen her?"

"No, " she replied, ground quickly erroding beneith her feet "No, I haven't."

He was looking at her in a way that made the old famillier panic begin to rise in her throat, and made her gut clench.

"What is it Chris? What don't I know?" she asked, suddenly afraid of the answer

"Ya know," he said dropping his hands and trying to sound casual "you must be freezing. Let me give you a ride. Is there somewhere I can take you?"

She looked away as her world began to unravel. Sucking as much air as she could into lungs that no longer seemed to work, and ajusting her glasses, she looked back into his eyes and said "Yes, yes there is.."

He waited

"You know where I want to go." She said

Chris sighed, opened the passenger side door of his black and white for her and said "Ok Holly. Get in."


	2. Some are gone, and some remain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the Black Penny

"What the fuck did they know?" She thought, staring at her drink, waiting for that unsteady feeling in her arm to subside enough to be sure she wouldn't spill it on the way to her mouth. Traci had insisted she would feel better if she got out more. Here she was, on her stool at the Black Penny, daring them to come say something stupid to her. She was a fucking hero. Not that it did her any good. She was a God-Damn Police Officer! It was her fucking job to put herself in danger. Didn't they know that it could have been, still could be them? Was she ever that young? Maybe this was a bad idea. She felt her self stiffen and prickle as a warm hand clapped her on the shoulder.

"Buy an old man a drink?" the voice next to her said and gave her a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

"Hey Oliver" she relaxed visibly

Oliver she could deal with. Oliver, who bumbled through life and never once treated her any differently than he always had. Oliver, who had stayed by her side at the hospital, even when the pain had become so unbearable that she would have died just to make it stop. He had asked her then if she wanted him to give Holly a call, but she had said no. She knew Holly would come, and to see her pain once again reflected in Holly's eyes was more than she could bear. She didn't, couldn't, wouldn't put her through that again.

"Celery wants to know how the salve she made is working out for you" he said, motioning to the bartender with two fingers and then pointing back at the two of them.

"I don't know, but the hand seems better, more flexible" She said flexing her thumb and her two remaining fingers to prove her point as she turned to stiffly to smile at him. She could still smile.

"Good. Good." He said as their drinks arrived, clinking the bottom of his glass with the top of hers that was still sitting on the bar. "We just finished the new guest addition to the cabin, and the grand-kids will be up next week." he offered "You know how they miss their Aunt Gail."

"Sure" She said noncommittally "Why not."

She was still out on disability, with time on her hands and a head full of doubt and disturbing images and sensations that made it hard to sleep at night. Really what else was she going to do? Take up knitting, as the occupational therapist had advised. I don't think so.  
She had secretly restarted her yoga practice, doing it at home when nobody else was around. That seemed to be helping too. Not only did it quiet her racing mind, when she pushed her injured body to the limit she found she could sleep. She was starting to be able to walk better too. On good days, she could leave her cane by her bedside and shuffle around her small, one bedroom apartment without tripping over her own feet, or falling once. Yippee. Her mother had said she always knew Gail would come to a bad end. 

The thing she had always feared, the one thing that terrified her actually, was the thought that she would end up on Holly's slab, and Holly would find her there before anyone had a chance to warn her that her lover was waiting for her at the lab - on ice. And this is why she had to protect Holly, to push her away, to finally go leaving a gulf of silence and hurt between them. It had almost happened too. Just over a year ago, on a beautiful, warm fall day, she and Oliver had gone to investigate a strange man wearing a trench coat hanging around an elementary school. Her last clear memory was of Oliver singing Ziggy Stardust off key as the got out of the car. Later, they had told her that she had thrown herself and a cafeteria table in front of a small group of first graders just as the suicide bomber had detonated his device. She had saved their lives. The blast had flayed her open, it left shrapnel in her skin, broke her pelvis, and her back, and a number of other bones, wrecked her left hand and almost removed her left leg above the knee, only to have it reattached. Three months later, she had been released from the hospital feeling somewhat like a Tim Burton creation. Traci and Steve had taken her in as she had gone through six more months of rehab and several more operations. She had moved into her own apartment near by just as soon as she could climb stairs. Thank God she had ditched Holly long before this happened. She knew she had hurt her, but not like this would have. She wondered why she still cared.

"Hey Peck, it's late. I should get going." Oliver said, downing the last of his scotch.

"Good night Oliver" she replied. She watched him make his way across the crowded bar and warmly greet a couple who had just come inside before disappearing out the door. The shock wave hit her like a slap. She felt herself go from cold to hot to cold as all of the blood seemed to drain from her. Holly. Not the apparition of Holly she sometimes saw out of the corner of her eye in the crowd, but Holly in the flesh. Holly standing in the doorway of the Penny with Chris standing close behind her. Holly scanned the room for a moment, and then began to make her way purposefully in Gail's direction. She found she couldn't speak, in-fact she could barely breathe as Holly leaned on the bar to face her. Holly reached out to trace the angry red furrow of a scar that ran from Gail's hairline, in front of her ear and down to her collarbone, her eyes opaque. Cupping Gail's cheek in her hand, she leaned in until their foreheads were barely touching.

"You are such an asshole. You know that, right?"

"I still love you too." Gail whispered back.


	3. All these places have their moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> continued from chapter 2

There are moments of Grace in life that cannot be explained away. There were times when the beauty of the universe crashed in on daily life and overwhelmed her, beyond peace, beyond forgiveness, like a door had opened to give her a second chance that she doubted she deserved. Gail had never believed in God or anything, but she was grateful nonetheless.

She remembered when she had been in the hospital for just over two months, when they decided she was strong enough to take her off of the machines, removed the drain from her side, and the wires from her chest. Two days later, Sam had paid her a visit for the first time, pushing a wheel chair with that devil-may-care grin on his face. 

“Wanna get outta here?” he asked, grin growing wider.

“What?!” she had only stared at him “We can’t do that…can we?” 

“Oliver and Celery are creating a diversion. Come on Peck, no one is going to miss you if I have you back, safe in your bed, in less than an hour.” He smirked

He had lifted her easily, like a child, out of the bed where she laid prisoner to her own body for so long, placed her gently on pillows, and wrapped her in warm blankets. As she clung to his neck with her good arm, she could see the thick pink scars on his body too. With her secured as comfortably as possible, he nearly ran down the hall, and out a door that lead to an outdoor patio on the roof, out into the open air. In spite of her weakness and pain, she had giggled like a school girl on a carnival ride all the way there. That feeling of Grace as the first rays of unfiltered sunlight struck her face and a warm early spring breeze had caressed her skin and ruffled her hair made her cry. She had breathed in fresh air in gulps, as if desperately trying to fill herself with it’s cleansing sweetness and felt gratitude she was still alive for the first time since the blast.

As she looked into Holly’s eyes, everything else seemed to disappear. She knew she must be crying from the wetness on her cheeks, but she didn’t care. 

“I am so sorry.” She whispered

She felt Holly try to repress a sob. 

“You suck Gail. I am so angry with you for shutting me out of your life. But yes, I love you too.” Holly whispered back. 

“So, now what?” Gail asked in a barely audible voice

Holly broke eye contact and turned, hand still resting lightly on Gail’s shoulder.

“Chris? Can you take us somewhere more private?” She turned back to look at Gail “Your place or mine? She said with the hint of a smile.

That smile, Holly’s smile, Gail remembered how she lived for that smile she had thought she would never see again. It warmed her soul like the rays of the sun.


	4. I've loved you more

When she had left early this morning, bleary eyed and somewhat shaken, Gail was still there, a quiet sleeping lump under the spare blanket on the couch in her suite. She hoped, dreaded, feared, longed for her to still be there when she returned. She had somehow managed to get out of the tour of the city morgue (oh the irony) this afternoon, and only had only her breakfast meeting and lecture ahead of her until the award ceremony this evening. She rubbed her eyes and went for another cup of coffee. Gail, so broken, and still so beautiful was like a drug to her. It would be so easy to forget all that had transpired between them and simply take her in, again. She hoped she didn’t look as ragged as she felt.

A voice behind her woke her from her thoughts. The young man who was her liaison to this conference spoke in a slightly nervous soft voice.

“Excuse me Dr. Stewart, I don’t mean to disturb you, but the Chief of Police would very much like to meet you…”

Holly closed her eyes, took a moment to steel herself, got up and extended her hand to the woman standing behind her. 

“Hello Elaine, you are looking well.” She said 

“Well, well, well..” Elaine said, ignoring her hand “Look who has returned to the scene of the crime.”

“Always a pleasure to see you too.” Holly said, eyes narrowing

“Well… I um, I see you already know each other…” the young man babbled, backing away quickly.

They ignored him, eyes locked in an age-old battle of wills. Elaine Peck had not changed much over the years. Although her hair was now pure white, age had seemingly done nothing to her ramrod straight posture, crisp uniform, and cutting demeanor. Gail used to joke that it was because she fed on the blood of young officers. Elaine Peck might have the entire Toronto Police force under her thumb, but Holly was not backing down, not for an instant.

“What do you want, Elaine?” Holly said in a flat tone.

“Oh, nothing” Elaine purred with dangerous smile “I just wanted to see what brought the famous Dr. Stewart back to our fair city. You know, the one who was too important to care whether my daughter lived or died last year.”

“That’s not fair Elaine, and you know it.” Holly stated as calmly as she could “I had no idea anything had happened to Gail, until I went to the Penny last night.”

“Come off it Holly,” Elaine’s eyes narrowed to blue shards of ice “ I know that you are still in contact with my son and those losers from the 15.”

They glared at each other in stony silence.

“That’s enough Mother!”

They turned to find Gail, breathing hard, leaning heavily on her cane, glaring daggers at the two of them. 

“You will not speak to Holly that way.” Gail’s left eye twitched, causing her scar to throb.

“But darling..” Elaine began

“Don’t but darling me. This is none of your business.” Gail limped closer to hook Holly by the arm. “Come on Holly, let’s get out of here.” 

She lurched off in the direction of the lobby, dragging Holly with her, leaving her mother standing in the middle of the banquet hall, mouth slightly agape, staring after them. As they entered the elevator on the way back up to Holly’s room, Holly began to laugh. Once she started, she couldn’t stop. 

“Oh my God! Gail!” she gasped, tears running down her face. “ I have always wanted to see your mother struck dumb, like that.”

Gail was laughing too. She couldn’t help it. It hurt and felt so good all at the same time. “I know… I know..” she sputtered 

They laughed harder, practically falling over one another. And then they were kissing, like a wildfire, out of control all lips and hands and hips pressing up against the elevator walls, barely aware when it stopped and the doors opened into a thankfully empty hallway. Gail had forgotten that her body had the capacity for this much pleasure. It overwhelmed her. They tumbled out into the hall, still clinging to each other, Gail’s good hand grasping Holly’s blazer, Holly gripping Gail by the arm. 

“Oh my God” Gail whispered leaning her forehead against Holly’s.

“Yeah, I know.” Said Holly in an equally hushed tone.  
“Listen, “ She continued, “I can’t do this right now.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I need to pull it together, go downstairs and talk about genetic sampling and new innovations in collecting DNA evidence.”

“I was going to come” said Gail

“What?” Holly replied confused

“I was going to attend your lecture.” Gail stated simply 

“You hate all that forensic Bla bla bla..” Holly blinked

“I wanted to see you.” Gail admitted

“We could have lunch.” Holly smiled “ I understand they have a fantastic room service menu.”

“I would like that.” Gail smiled back. It wasn’t much, but it was something.


	5. And In the End..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please Comment!

This was the moment of impact, the moment of truth. She couldn’t remember the other, except in dreams sometimes – the screaming, the smell of scorched flesh, and Oliver’s disembodied voice in her ear saying something she was desperately trying to understand. On nights she had that dream, she woke up in a cold sweat fighting down the nausea that threatened to overtake her. She must have dozed off. Terror flooded her senses as she heard the door click softly shut. Where was she? What time was it? Bright late morning light streamed through the windows.

“Gail?” Holly’s voice said softly.

She tried to push herself upright but her body didn’t want to respond. This was not unusual. She pushed harder with her good arm, willing herself into a reasonable sitting position.

“Hey!” She said, trying to sound normal, pushing down the panic in her chest, “You’re back.” She turned to smile at Holly leaning in the doorway.

Holly came and sat on the edge of the bed across from where she was resting on the couch. Her cane had fallen to the floor and she wished she could gracefully retrieve it.

“How was your talk?” She inquired

“Fine, it was fine.” Holly said, and Gail realized she was nervous too.

Holly took a deep breath, adjusted her glasses, looked Gail up and down and said, “Tell me everything.”

“ I guess I did something reckless and stupid, just like you were always afraid I would.” She said with a bitter laugh.

Holly waited. Gail fidgeted. The shrapnel in her ribs itched. She scratched at it mindlessly. Sometimes a piece would still work its way to the surface and poke through her skin. She was supposed to tell her doctors when that happened, and have them do something surgical about it. But these days she just picked at them and pulled them out herself, not being able to stand another moment of medical intervention. Two weeks after she had come home, Chris had caught her at it, picking at her side with an old lock-blade and a pair of pliers gripped in her bad hand. She had just gotten out of the shower, and was sitting on the bathroom floor twisting and cursing. She had lived with him for years and never cared if he saw her naked. He thought she had fallen, until he saw the blood, and then he freaked!  
“I swear to God I will remind you what it was like to be stabbed if you leave this room and tell Traci!” She had threatened, waving the knife in his direction. “Now get your ass over here and help me get this fucking thing out of my skin! It’s driving me crazy!” She had insisted

He had protested at first, afraid to hurt her. She had cursed, and threatened and finally cried with frustration. He could never resist her, not even when they had first broken up and he had tried to stay mad. And so, He had given in with a sigh, to be rewarded with a wicked looking shard of metal, and a rare, wild, impish grin on Gail’s face.  
“Give THAT to Celery and have her make you a charm!” She had laughed. And he did, which surprised her. Her doctors had chastised, and threatened, but she didn’t care. What were they going to do, stop treating her? She still had another surgery ahead of her, and her doctors had promised to try to remove more of the offending pieces while she was under.

She closed her eyes, stopped scratching and rubbed. Scratching, she knew would only make it burn and itch more later. She heard Holly try to suppress a gasp. She opened her eyes to find Holly staring at the stretch of skin on her torso she had mindlessly exposed. 

“Gail… I…” Holly said reaching for her. Trembling fingertips glided gently over the topographical map of knotted, broken ribs, ravines of surgical scars on her spine and the hills and craters shrapnel had left in its wake. This was the healing touch she had craved for so long, and yet, it was pure agony. 

“Don’t.” She whispered, grasping Holly’s wrists. “Please…”

Holly looked up at her, back down at her left hand with its missing fingers, and then back up, without removing her hands from Gail’s body. Gail couldn’t meet her eyes. 

“Holly, don’t…” She tried to swallow, but only managed a dry cough.

“Gail, please let me touch you.” Holly pleaded, reaching up to cup Gail’s cheek with one hand. Gail still clinging to her wrist. 

“I can’t..” She stammered, “I don’t want you to remember me like this…”

That brought a smirk to Holly’s lips.

“Oh, Gail, like I’m the hot young scientist you used to know.” She chuckled.

Gail relaxed slightly. 

Becoming serious again she added, “And you, you are still so beautiful.”

Gail was shaking as Holly leaned in to kiss her mouth. What the hell was wrong with her? She could be brave! She was a fucking police officer, for Christ’s sake! She gripped Holly’s wrist tighter and leaned into the kiss. As Holly’s tongue met hers, all time, pain and fear simply melted away.

“Holly?” She said hoarsely, trying to get her breath back under control, as they finally pulled apart, “I can’t do this…”

“Oh, ok.” Holly said, withdrawing her hands “I know we’re not together anymore…” she continued, trying to keep the hurt from her voice, “I know that you were angry with me when you left… I don’t know what I did, or how I failed you…”

“No.” Gail said, reaching out to take Holly’s hands in hers, “I mean, I can’t do this here. This couch is killing me!”

She watched Holly’s face go from hurt, to concerned, to amused, in a matter of seconds.

“Oh.” Holly said simply.

“Do you think we could lay down on the bed?” Gail asked, watching Holly intently. “I can’t sit anymore.”

“Oh, ok.” Holly said, backing up to sit on the bed.

Gail scooted, and pushed, and reached for her cane, but it was too far away. 

“I’m sorry” She explained, “I’m still healing, and getting stronger, but sometimes it just doesn’t seem to work.” 

“What do you need?” Holly asked

“Shit.” Gail muttered to herself, and then “Can you help me reach my cane, and then help me get up?” 

Holly complied. Gail wobbled and limped, but soon they were lying face to face on the big hotel bed. Holly was watching her calmly, with liquid brown eyes that Gail wanted to fall into. 

“Tell me everything.” Holly whispered again.

Gail sighed and licked her lips, her mouth suddenly dry. Holly reached for her, and moved carefully closer, slipping her arm across Gail’s waist. She waited.

Gail licked her lips again and began.

“I died you know. I died, and when they brought me back, all I could think about was you.”

“I didn’t know.” Holly said touching her face with soft fingers.

“I know.” Gail shrugged as best she could, “I didn’t want you to.”

Holly just looked at her with eyes full of pain. She looked away.

“This is why I had to go,” She continued, ‘everybody leaves, everybody dies. I have been waiting my whole life for something like this to happen, and I couldn’t.. I couldn’t…” She was crying now. It was like opening a vein. She was bleeding and she couldn’t stop. “I know what I did to Traci when Jerry died for me, and to Chris, and to Nick and even to you… And I couldn’t do that to you again…”

“No!” Holly said in a sharp tone that made Gail stop and look at her. “I love you! I would have done anything to get you to stay. Anything!” Tears were running down her face too.

Gail held her breath.

“Who do you think you are?” Holly continued, anger in her voice now, “What gives you the right to make these choices for other people? How dare you shut me out and wreck our happiness together!”

Holly was angrier than Gail had ever seen her. It was daunting and yet beautiful at the same time.

“I didn’t want to come here.” She continued, “My boss insisted I go to this damn conference. I had no intention of ever seeing you again. And then Chris found me, freezing my ass off in front of the Morgue last night, God only knows why I went there, and told me what had happened. Damn you Gail! Holly glared, After all these years, can’t you just let yourself be loved?”

Gail did the only thing she could do under the circumstances. She pulled Holly closer, kissing her hard, sobs unwittingly exploding from her chest. Holly kissed her back, wrapping one arm around he ribs, the other hand gripping the back of her head. It hurt. She didn’t care, as she tasted the salt of their tears. This kiss was war, it was a grenade, it was Hiroshima, leveling the landscape of her world in a single blast. As the pulled apart, Holly gripped her shoulder, knowing her fingers would leave marks on the pale flesh. 

“Come home with me.” Holly whispered

Gail could only nod, and lean in to kiss Holly again. This time it was more like CPR.


End file.
